LIFE OF A SINGLE WOMAN
Life’s experiences are different for everybody, while experiences differ, there are some experiences that most single women have gone through. This blog is for ladies navigating through life alone to share experiences and to form an anonymous bond with other young women.
Time
I recently came across the ms_asoebi page on Instagram, She asked women to share the one thing they regret the most in their lives. It was surprising to see that at least 65% of women regretted marrying early, 30% regretted marrying late, and others for other reasons. The women that married early regretted either marrying the wrong person without studying the man, or marrying with a skill or job or allowing society pressure them into marriage. Those that married late complained about searching for children or missing valuable time with their children.
One thing that is synonymous to all the problems was the feeling of marrying at the wrong time, it makes you wonder when exactly is the right time. Some people marry early and go on to have beautiful marriages while some end up in terrible homes same thing also applies to those who marry late.
The only advice i can give is to make sure you marry because you want to, not because society wants you to, if you have goals yo want to achieve, try achieving them before you get married so that you wont regret them later and most importantly, always have ur source of income before committing to any man.
Written by Anonymous
Overwhelmed
I have always been a people pleaser, always putting people’s emotions before mine. It was never a big deal because I genuinely loved seeing people happy, but lately, I feel overwhelmed. I spend most of my time helping out family, my friends, my boyfriend, and even my colleagues at work, but I realized that when I need people to be there for me, no one is.
This realization has affected the way I behave, people now realize that I am different, and instead of them trying to understand why I changed, they only care about how it affects them and the benefits they have lost. Even though it is overwhelming, because I do not like letting people down especially when they hold me to a specific standard, I genuinely feel better.
I now make decisions based on what I think and feel and not based on what others would want. I no longer agree with everything, I accept things based on facts, my opinions, and my gut feeling.
Written by Anonymous
Deja Vu
You know when something happens to you, and you feel like the same thing has happened to you before, well that is how I feel when I get sexually assaulted. It happens so frequently that each new experience feels the same as before, and it just feels like I am experiencing Deja vu. Part of me knows that each experience is different, but the way I feel after is the same. It doesn’t matter if it was rape, or just a random man grabbing me in public or unsolicited comments about my body, the sense of violation remains the same. I always feel stressed, afraid, anxious, and I experience flashbacks, depression, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD). Although most women tend to feel differently, the psychological effects of sexual violence against women remain the same.
Most times, when I randomly open up about what I have gone through and how I feel to men, the majority of them feel sad and promise to be better than the men in my past but, after a while, they abuse me in one way or the other. I have stopped blaming them because I believe, contrary to what most men think, they do not know what sexual assault means, a lot of them believe it stops and ends at rape, and the majority of them do not realize that you can rape your partner, that it does not matter if she has told you yes before, the next time she tells you no and you do not stop, the psychological effects can be devastating.
Now all i wish for is for the sense of dread, the expectation that every man will be like the last, the feeling that i will never be strong enough to stop it the next time it happens to stop.
Written by Anonymous
A 23 year’s old dilemma
I recently clocked 23, and it seemed like I had just unlocked the gateway to questions about marriage. I get reminded everywhere, at home, at work, and on the streets. My Father, who has never really cared about my relationship life and has always pretended it never existed, has been hammering on me bringing my boyfriend home. My mum, on the other hand, is always giving me marital advice. A married colleague at work has made it her utmost priority to be praying for a good husband for me every two days. I feel so pressured that I just want to get married and get them off my back, but whenever the pressure comes, I always remind myself to take a chill pill. I can not make a major decision like that based on other people’s opinions, no matter how close we are, most especially because I know that they will never stop. Today it is about marriage, the next thing it’s about giving birth. I know they have a certain perception of the expected milestones I am supposed to achieve at a certain age, but I can not live my life based on expectations. I have been using humor to evade my parent’s questions, but I know I have to have an uncomfortable conversation with them soon. I have to let them know, I have never been interested in marriage, and I certainly do not plan to get married soon.
Written by Ranti Posted on June 23, 2021
A little bit of confusion
Sometimes I do not know if I qualify as a single woman or a married woman, or a woman in a relationship. Some days he treats me so nice, takes good care of me, talks to my siblings and parents, and makes plans with me. Recently, he asked me for my ring size and has been dropping comments about planning a surprise proposal.
Some days all he wants is just sex and me cooking for him, nothing more, and some days he does not call or text, and whenever I call him or text him, it feels like I am disturbing. I have talked to his friends about this behavior, and all they do is blame me, saying that what do I want, that it is normal for men to act this way, that I am ungrateful that at least he treats me right.
My siblings and parents say the same thing. I am starting to believe what people say, but deep within me, I do not feel comfortable about how he switches up on me. I feel so unhappy, like I am asking for too much, and should be grateful for what I have. Do you think they are right? Do you think I am too much?
Written by Amara Posted on the 25th of June, 2021
Settling for whatever I am given
I recently had a job interview for which I prepared very hard. I researched all the possible questions and rehearsed my answers. The interview was ok because I had already expected most of the questions. At the end of the interview, one of the interviewers asked for my expected salary range. Even though I had expected this question, I still had no idea what to answer. I had researched the role and possible salary expectations but was conflicted on what exactly was ok to want. I did not want to seem too expensive or too cheap, I tried evading the question, but the interviewer asked me what I felt I was worth. I ended up saying an amount that was even 50% lesser than the actual salary range because I was in a tight spot. I already know that if they offer me that specific job with that salary, I would either have to turn it down or renegotiate my salary. This experience led to me thinking about situations that I settled for whatever I was giving because I was too afraid to ask for more or less. It led to me reflecting, and I realized that I was always scared, scared in relationships to ask for what I want because I was afraid of seeming too much, afraid to suggest things I want because I was scared of hearing no. It made me realize that I had gotten comfortable with just accepting because right from little being humble, always willing to accept, and never expecting or asking for more. When she asked what I was worth, I honestly did not know what my worth was relationship-wise and work-wise. I know I had all the necessary skills, I know in all my relationships be it family, romantic and platonic relationships I am an asset. But when push comes to shove, I do not exactly know the value of myself or how much I am worth.
Written by Chi Posted on the 25th of June, 2021
Emptiness
I have insatiable wants, no matter what I have, I rarely get satisfied. From childhood, everyone said the same thing. Nothing ever seemed to be enough because I always ended up wanting more. It affected me in everything, my work life, relationship, and spirituality. I always feel like it is never enough, I am never enough. I compare myself with everybody and anything, most especially people close to me. There is always something missing that I want and as soon as I get it, I desire something else. I do not know if this is normal, and I want to change. Your responses will be immensely appreciated.
Written by Chi Posted on the 25th of June, 2021
The Lady on Dreads
Yeah! Everyone is allowed to have their opinions and communicate the same. Most often, people’s opinions are always subjective rather than being objective, and you can’t overrule the place of facts over feelings, it’s impossible.
I began my permanent dreads journey for reasons best known to me; who, in this day and age, does not have a justification for what they do? and if we are not being sentimental, good or bad can be relative.
Let’s go back to when I left Nigeria Law School with natural hair and a strong desire to change my appearance. I also find it less important to visit the salon regularly; it’s a complete waste of time for me. My mum and siblings did not have any counter-arguments to my reasoning, so I proceeded to lock my hair even though people with dreadlocks are stereotyped as Rastafarians or dirty.
I was excited after the locking process because I received positive comments such as “I love your hair!” and at one point, I was referring people to my stylist because the hair looked good on me, so interested people were always eager to meet my stylist.
People spoke up, particularly those who do not understand the importance of respecting others’ decisions, believing that they will be able to justify their own.
If I don’t mention the reaction I get from men, especially older men, the gist will be incomplete. Some will even give me a resentful look that makes me want to enter the ground. The daring ones will express themselves in various ways, such as, “When are you changing your hairstyle?” I’m like, “it’s permanent, I can only relock it,” and some will say, “What is this hairstyle you’re carrying? A believer should not be on this hairstyle,” and I’m like, “oh my God, why do people find a way to relate religion to everything?” Yes, I am a Christian who understands Christian behavior!
It’s no secret that the way men approach women is sometimes influenced by their hairstyle, and women who wear dreadlocks stand out from the crowd.
I’ve learned to find comfort in the words of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie; I chose to forget about likeability; I don’t have to twist myself into shapes to be likable, because the world is a diverse and multifaceted place where there is someone who will like you.
Written by Oluwafunke M.
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